How to Write An Honest CV, Resumé & Cover Letter

Disclaimer: I am not responsible for any jobs you might not get by using this method. On the other hand, I’m probably responsible if you do get one. (Really though, please don’t take this seriously.)

The first question you have to ask yourself is: “Do I want any job that will be available to me? Or do I want the right job that lets me express my soul’s true desires?”

If your answer is “I just need to feed myself and my five children” I understand your struggle and you’ll probably do well with most resumé, CV or cover letter examples you can find on the magical network humans call the internet.

But if you’re thinking, “No, I’m done renting my soul to a company that doesn’t even see me as a human being” then you have come to the right place, my friend.

Go find atemplate you like with a simple google search and let’s see what an honest CV, Resumé & Cover Letter looks like with personal examples I will provide based on the experiences of *Miss Piggy voice* moi.

Now, let’s start with the easiest parts:

Education

Keep it simple, school names, dates, links to youtube tutorials. You don’t need to tell them about how you wanted to study something else or why your GPA isn’t that high… but then again you totally can.

Experience

Insert work experience that is impressive as heck but doesn’t make you look overqualified. Use facts and emphasize/adjust as necessary. Basically, just write what they want to hear/to read.

Skills

Some personal examples:

• Can read Captchas. (And don’t say “Everyone can do that.” Because no.) Okay, I lied. This is how I feel about captchas.
• Can watch things for hours.
• Knows how to read & write in multiple earth languages.
• Can stare into space for however long necessary.
• Makes people laugh.
• Great motivator.
• Eats things.
• Feels things.

References

Let’s just take a chance here and write the e-mail address and phone number of everyone who could say a nice thing about you if they were actually asked. Half of them might not remember who you are but what matters is at one point, they knew you existed. (I might actually have dead people on my list. I’ll need to update that sometime.)

Warning: Now it gets even more honest, and depending on your own experiences it might also get slightly bitter, cynical or downright depressing. Mine goes a little like this:

Strengths:

• Hates being told what to do.
• Maladaptive daydreamer.
• Reluctant leader.
• Loses her soul while doing repetitive work that has nothing to do with her talents and doesn’t do good for anyone.

Weaknesses (Actual Weaknesses Instead of Strengths Hidden as Weaknesses: “works too hard, a perfectionist, likes to bake cookies”):

• Eats actual food and needs somewhere to stay so she likes to be paid with real money. She might expect payments on time, instead of every four months.
• Could use a raise after two or three years. (No? Too soon?)
• Doesn’t thoroughly enjoy being manipulated or insulted. Finds positive reinforcement more motivating than backhanded compliments, aggression and general assholery. (Let’s admit, this one can be tough for certain employers.)
• Might not be ecstatic about getting you a sandwich or a banana when she’s actually there to do her work which is not getting you a sandwich or a banana. (This isn’t actually a big deal but it’s not exactly ideal either because I’m really gonna want to eat the banana.)
• Dislikes crowded, small places with bright lights (insert Gizmo squeal), and loud and grumpy people.

me anywhere

• Asks questions when given a responsibility, and expects you to know what you’re actually asking for.
• Assumes that her work will be acknowledged by the masses.
• Might find it hard to tolerate your horse riding stories, especially those with detailed demonstration and sound effects.
• Will probably think you’re inappropriate when you’re inappropriate.
• Not a fan of the pervy and furious.
• Isn’t enthusiastic about working in an environment where it feels like ”The Hunger Games“ or ”The Hills Have Eyes“.
• Might not appreciate an employer who does not listen.

Alright, that looks good. My strengths might seem fewer in numbers but we said “Honest CV” and also it’s quality that matters. Few in numbers might be priceless in efficiency. Or something.

Hobbies

Anything that says “I’m smart, fun, social and have values”.

Example:

Inserting myself into everything I read and watch, not paying for stuff unless I have to, shooting imaginary videos when I’m listening to music, having imaginary conversations with imaginary people, squishing cute animals as I make appropriate sounds, talking to inanimate objects, getting real cranky when I’m hungry, daydreaming in bed, wanting to roundhouse kick people on public transportation.

Anything goes.

Cover Letter

Hello Dear whoever I need to impress to get an interview,

I’m the bestest because… reasons. I’m devoted enough to work my backside off for your company and do outstanding work but I’m also modest enough to expect nothing more than whatever you’re willing to give me. I won’t bother you much about it because I’m really low-maintenance at the same time. Like a dream come true, right?

I’m also an amazing and fun person and *pulls out hypnosis pendulum* you want to get to know me yet I totally act like I don’t know my own value which, let’s be honest, is what makes me beautiful — just like that good ol’ One Direction song.

I’ll probably accept most of your conditions because I have to. Would this happen if I were rich and traveling the world? No way. But we do what we must to survive.

So call me maybe. [insert emoji]

And that’s what I truly feel is authentic when it comes to writing a CV, Resumé & Cover Letter. (Also sums up why I’m a freelancer.)

Okay, this approach might not actually get you a job so I have to remind you to be honest at your own risk. Or simply follow your bliss and do what you enjoy so you could actually be happy? Whichever you want, good luck and let me know how that goes for you!